i am at a crossroads right now, and full of options - each one available to me only when i do nothing. but i know that once i make a move, the other options would just close as if they never existed.

my love…it has been almost a year, and though it has been difficult at some points in the relationship, most of the moments have been great. it's like sailing through stormy seas knowing that the two of you are together, tied to the same boat, and never letting each other drown. he has now been acquainted with my bad points, and not-so-desirable parts of my character, but his still being there is a testament of his love. my still being with him is proof of his patience, for i, sadly, have lost mine. i am not saying that i don't have any patience with him, only that i don't have patience in relationships that would just die down in the end. no…. i prefer to make myself aware of these pitfalls and walk away when needed.

but i am not so shallow as to walk away when everything is not going alright. what i mean is that he is open to working it out, and that is the one thing that i like most about him…and he is considerate to a fault.

there are times when i feel that i don't deserve the men in my life. but maybe i did something good in this world for the higher being to give me this reward.

my career…is at a crossroads. at a point when i don't know when it's just going to grow stale or if it is going to flourish. everything depends on tomorrow's presentation. i am nervous. i feel like the first day of school, or maybe, much more accurately, the first time i took my clothes off in front of someone. *sigh*

i guess the only thing i have to do is overcome. and maybe, i'll get there.

I feel: restless

after being so long out of touch with the virtual world i thought i belonged to, i decided to come back.

it took some soul searching...looking in the mirror and seeing exactly how it was that he saw me, to finally realize that he was right. is right. i am a bitch.

i got out of the way of life i used to live and decided to change a couple of things that badly needed correcting. it rankles that he didn't deserve somebody like me. still hurts to think about how angry i made him be, how disappointed he was at how i conducted myself.

and now it is much too late to say sorry...and i know it would fall on deaf ears.

wherever you are, francis, i hope you're alright. i do not ask for your forgiveness anymore. you don't need to give it, because i don't deserve it. you never deserved what i did to you. never. you are much better for that.

I feel: numb

kiss me slow...kiss me sweetly
make me yours...rock my world
give me forever in a touch
promise yourself in the silence of a stare


love me as i've never been loved
make me feel lucky...make me feel blessed
show me what good is all about
and push me to heights i've never reached before.


in your arms, i taste my freedom.
in your arms, i feel alive
i drown in your sweet kisses
again...love me...again.


i can only wish time would stop
i feel tomorrow fast approaching
i love you...you love me...
can we stay for one more night?

I will find my comfort in tears, find my place in sorrow.

I will learn.

I will cry and I will learn.

Grieve for the loss of total abandon.
Grieve for the loss of innocence.
Grieve for what was.
Grieve for the care I threw in the winds...

And keep my heart safe.

Stop trusting before mistrusting

I will bleed for the way I gave my all...opened up...

Bleed for the belief in the fundamental good
Bleed that I have nothing left for you now.


My friendship was once a chest of treasures.

My trust was once a steadfast fortress.

But for you, I was open. For you I was raw. Unprotected.

Unshielded as you are shielded.


I will cry my heart out, dear friend.

I will hurt like a lover scorned.

I will swallow my anger and let it heal me.



You have betrayed me.

You have lied.

You have shown your true colors and hidden behind shadows.

And I...

Cannot fight shadows.
Cannot love darkness.
Cannot respect your trodding.
Cannot understand your thoughts.

You have scorned me.

You have spited me.

You have tried to destroy me.

And you have failed.

In my heart...you are dead.

*sigh

just a little over two months and he'll be here. finally.

oh and here he is. i didn't get his permission to post his pic, but i don't think he'll be angry at me for being proud of him, no?

he's in profile here and though he looks badass most times, well, he's really a big sweetie. :D

I feel: cold

My Understanding Of Truth

By John M. Chambers*

“I will show you fear in a handful of dust.” - T.S. “BUTCH” ELIOT

“My first thought was, he lied in every word.” - ROBERT “SUNDANCE” BROWNING

The gunslinger is the truth.
Roland is the truth.
The Prisoner is the truth.
The Lady of Shadows is the truth.
The Prisoner and the Lady are married. That is the truth.
The Waystation is the truth.
The Speaking Demon is the truth.
We went under the mountains and that is the truth.
There were monsters under the mountain. That is the truth.
One of them had an Amoco gas pump between his legs and was pretending it was his penis. That is the truth.
Roland let me die. That is the truth.
I still love him.
That is the truth.

When is a door not a door? When it’s a jar, and that is the truth.
Blaine is the truth.
Blaine is the truth.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck, and that is the truth.
Blaine is the truth.
You have to watch Blaine all the time, Blaine is a pain, and that is the truth.
I’m pretty sure that Blaine is dangerous, and that is the truth.
What is black and white and red all over? A blushing zebra, and that is the truth.
Blaine is the truth.
I want to go back and that is the truth.
I have to go back and that is the truth.
I’ll go crazy if I don’t go back and that is the truth.
I can’t go home again unless I find a stone a rose a door and that is the truth.
Choo-choo, and that is the truth.
Choo-choo. Choo-choo.
Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo.
Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo.
I am afraid. That is the truth.
Choo-choo.

*from Stephen King’s The Wastelands, part of the Dark Tower saga

i just realized that i was working too hard...and what made me realize it? nothing but the ever-reliable wisdom of bill watterson's calvin and hobbes.

i strain to catch just a trace of your voice...
     and hearing it, scaring myself;
for when else does love begin than when your voice becomes music?
     than when all things you say become
          a whole cacophony of melodies...
          a symphony singing to my soul...
          when the smallest word from your lips become the world?

my fear rises.
     with each day that passes when you're bit by bit completed....
          etched thoroughly in my head -
          like a puzzle solved,
          only to give way to more questions...

my nature takes over.
     and you prove to me how futile this all is...
          this fighting for independence
          this wanting to be alone
          this hassle-free solitary existence...

you are dangerous territory.
you are everything i didn't used to want.
you are all my insecurities packed in one...
          frustration personified.

and still...
         i yearn to catch just a strain of your voice...
              and run, wild and free - 
...run from all this safety.